GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE APRIL 21, 1995

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My lover became a Jehovah's Witness, what do I do?

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone

Hey there, girls and boys: I wanted to share my path to the attainment of a near nirvanic state last week. I merely washed every last piece of my laundry, and simultaneously here's the key-vacuumed the rug. Then I sat, in my fresh and fluffy black socks, which gathered no scary lint from my immaculate rug, and finally did my taxes. Aaaah...a veritable hat trick of inner peace. Dear M.T.,

Here's the problem. For the last four years I have been with my now ex-lover. She recently started following the Jehovah's Witness religion. Of course, this has ended our relationship. But, we are, at times, still intimate with each other-other than sexually. I don't know how to handle this situation Should I forget about her and move on? Or should I stick it out and hope it's just a phase?

Jehovah Stole My Lover

Dear Left for the Lord:

Sigh. I wish this was uncommon, but no. Would it be so impossible to find an outlet for one's spiritual or religious needs that is respectful of the important relationships in our lives? Would it?

I am a bit puzzled by your letter: I assume you and your lover were together for four years, then she became a Jehovah's Witness, and broke up with you, but you're still intimate friends. In that case, since the lover thing is over, I guess you're wondering whether or not to tough it out and remain her friend at all, yes?

I don't think anyone has the option of just "forgetting about" someone they were intimately involved with for four years, especially if the break-up didn't seem to be about problems within the relationship itself: that's pretty closure-free, and frustrating. However, if she really is saying that she can not or will not be your lover, for whatever reason, you're not lovers. Unfortunately, one person can't just be a lover, thus maintaining a halfempty relationship for the other person to

return to.

So, what happens now is, you reconcile yourself to the breakup, no matter how frustrating, and figure out what kind of a new relationship you can forge with your ex. To that end, I would check the Resource Directory in the back of this paper for local support and worship groups for lesbigay Christians, and see if your ex is interested, and you may be able to access some information on how to deal with the sudden change in her spiritual orientation. Or, look in this year's Gayellow Pages, a wonderfully comprehensive national and local resource, available at the lesbiangay bookstore of your choice.

Another option is to talk to the minister at the closest Metropolitan Community Church (gay, lesbian, and bisexual Christians of all persuasions, and the fastest growing Christian church in the world), for some homophobia-free perspective and counseling on

The Gay 90's with Buck Harris on WHK 1420AM has moved to Sunday night from 10:00 to 11:00

your situation. They are listed in the Resource Directory, or contact their national office: Universal Fellowship of Metropolitan Community Churches, 5300 Santa Monica Boulevard #304, Los Angeles, CA 90029, 213-464-5100.

By the by, your ex is undoubtedly in a lot of pain and confusion around this massive shift in her identity, too. She'd probably appreciate someone supporting her search for a spiritual identity, with the hearty admonition that Jesus grooved on outsiders, and would hardly be caught spitting on a lesbian, you know? Tell her not to hide her light under a bushel. I wish you both luck. Dear Big Tipper,

I am a 22-year-old college senior with a problem. Last week, while showering after a swim in my school's pool, my eyes were drawn to the most gorgeous man I've ever seen, with a perfect face and body. I made eye contact and he responded positively. We ended up at his place for some wonderful, but high-risk sex.

How do I approach him about HIV? I haven't had anonymous sex since high school and realize that I made a mistake this time. However, I want to have sex with him again, and develop a steady sexual relationship. How do I bring up the delicate and necessary subject of HIV without scaring him off? Worried

Dear Chlorinated Casanova,

Augh! Since we're human, there can definitely be a gap between the sexual safety level we aspire to, and what we're actually able to realize in the heat of the moment. However, I'm concerned about your quick dismissal of this incident as a "mistake." I'm guessing that means you know that you're HIV negative, and you were hoping that this guy was too, but I can't emphasize strongly enough, a “perfect” body is no guarantee of negative HIV status.

We're over fifteen years into the AIDS epidemic. No lad or lass should be surprised or scared off by a chat about safer sex, HIV and AIDS; as a matter of fact, I think the one who's brave and brings it up first should get a little present, of the broacher's choice.

If you know you get carried away and can't talk about anything important after the booty ball has started rolling, talk in the car, or on the street, or over a grilled cheese sandwich. You can just start a conversation about AIDS itself, or how you tend to care for your health, or how you'd like to care for his, and spiral in from the general to the specific. ASAP. You may want to consider getting tested for HIV now, and about six months after this episode of unprotected sex to see what your side of the conversation's going to entail.

A little psychic and logistical preparation goes a long way toward helping us to protect the love temples that are our bodies. If you're eyeballing folks at the gym, keep condoms and a little bottle of lube in your gym bag. If you're uncomfortable with your ability to have hot, safer sex, pop on down to your local AIDS service organization, and see what kinds of workshops they offer: that's what they're there for. (Frankly, I'm as happy as a clam that a morsel of my tax money is going toward teaching us how to do it, and not for a gilded toilet seat on Air Force One.) Another way to research and work on smokin' protected moves is to watch or jerk off to porn in which the sex is safe. One such video is The Package, which your local AIDS group should be able to help you find. Channel your inner scout and Be Prepared.

Send your queries, questions, and inquiries to M.T. Martone, care of the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101; fax 216631-1082; or via America Online to Chron Ohio; or via Internet to chronohio@aol.com.